Christmas is Banned

Christmas is Banned

Xmas Banned in ThailandChristmas in Thailand has been cancelled.

Traditionally, the end of the Rainy Season brings the start of the three-month Christmas Season in Thailand. But not this year.

Junta Spokesthing Chief Petty Officer General Mautpeet announced that Christmas is un-Thai and undermines the Junta’s attempts to promote ‘Thainess’ in, of all places, Thailand. It is not clear if the subsequent four-month New Year Season will also be cancelled or will simply be extended to start three-months early.

Thailand’s leading political analyst, speaking from a safe-house in the slums of Nakhon Nowhere, said “We think that, for years, the Thai Right has linked Santa with Thaksin based on the colour of his clothes.” Such damning evidence is considered to be more than sufficient to get Santa lynched if he ever sets foot in Thailand again.

We used huge amounts of coffee to sober-up the chairman of the Thai Lawyers’ Troupe, Soomee Aimacruk, and asked him about the legal basis for the ban. He eventually told us “How the hell should I know? Lawyering is all about ceremony and protocol, we leave all that legalese crap to the Army.”

Plans were proposed to change Santa’s suit colour back to a more traditional shade of green, but the Foreign Correspondents’ Club of Thailand vetoed the idea as it may lead to the rotund little drunkard to be mistaken for an accredited journalist.

An official statement from the Ratchprasong Trader’s Association read simply “Yeah, right. Bring it on.”

So, keep your baubles polished – this ain’t over…

Tourists to be ‘Graded On Arrival’

Quality Tourists for Quality DestinationsThe Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced plans to categorize tourists as they arrive in the country and direct them towards destinations appropriate to their perceived ‘quality’.

Minister of Tourist Conformity, Tingtong Bakpakka, told us in an elusive interview “We’re adopting electoral practices from Germany, considering buying trains from Germany, now we’d like to adopt practices from the holiday camps Germany set up in Poland during the war. The aliens can be streamed on arrival into High and Low quality categories using a simple process of means testing.”

Highly qualified immigration officers, most with backgrounds in accounting and fashion, will direct tourists left or right depending on factors such as number of tattoos, shell-suits, sobriety and in-pocket cash.

High-quality tourists, such as those who arrive wearing a tie, will be allowed to roam the country more-or-less freely. Low quality tourists will be bundled onto secure transports and taken to designated ‘ghettos’ such as a specially fenced of stretch of Bangkok’s Sukhumvit Road. Pattaya council have already begun digging a huge moat around the resort to contain tourists deemed ‘especially depraved’, while Koh Tao is to be converted into a maximum-security resort for the three or four Russians expected this year.

Chinese tourists are to be diverted to Chiang Mai where they will be re-educated within specially constructed ramparts dubbed by locals “The Great Wall of Chiang Mai”.

Travel-Blagger Dickie Handcart, speaking as always on behalf of all expats, has welcomed the move. “With tourists corralled into such limited areas, we will literally be able to bombard them into submission with Thainess. They’ll go home more Thai than the Thais.”


Thailand’s Monster Tourism Boom

A Real Monster or an Elephant of a Lie?
A Real Monster or an Elephant of a Lie?

By the side of a large lake on the outskirts of Thailand’s umpteenth city, Nakhon Nowhwere, Tokbplaa Buusalot stares into the dark waters and recounts his encounter with a hideous, prehistoric creature – the Thai-Ness Monster.

I saw it swimming in the water over there,” he pointed to a rickety pier made from old oil barrels and palettes. “It was easy to see because although the water looks black during the day, it glows at night.” The poor quality snapshot K. Tokbplaa has been hawking around the local media has been labelled too blurry even for the hyper-credulous Thai Facebook community and his tale was widely ignored.

Until, that is, tourist numbers in the region nose-dived and the Ministry of Tourist Traps took an interest. Re-branding the area “Thai-Ness” after Scotland’s own Loch Ness, the ministry is planning a monster-themed water park – just as soon as it can be confirmed whatever is in the lake can legally be called water. Thai-Ness was originally owned by Isaan Chemical Industries and was previously called ‘Waste Run-Off Pool No. 6’

Critics inevitably pick on the fact that Thai-Ness is an artificial construct, a fake idea made-up to impose an idealized identity on the area with no real basis in historical fact. “It’s primarily for marketing purposes.” said environmental activist and somtam farmer,  Dweebee Dtreehugga, “Most people here don’t believe in Thai-Ness and wouldn’t know the Thai-Ness Monster if it crawled up and bit them in the ass.”

But local businesses are looking forward to the water park with its jet-skis, speedboats and, once the sludge around the edge of the lake solidifies, a lucrative deckchair franchise. Thailand’s premium travel blogger, Dickie Handcart is keen to promote Thai-Ness. “I for one can’t wait to get my drone up over the lake and photograph the monster.” He said. “The ministry says it’s real and that’s good enough for me and my sponsors.”