Christmas is Banned

Christmas is Banned

Xmas Banned in ThailandChristmas in Thailand has been cancelled.

Traditionally, the end of the Rainy Season brings the start of the three-month Christmas Season in Thailand. But not this year.

Junta Spokesthing Chief Petty Officer General Mautpeet announced that Christmas is un-Thai and undermines the Junta’s attempts to promote ‘Thainess’ in, of all places, Thailand. It is not clear if the subsequent four-month New Year Season will also be cancelled or will simply be extended to start three-months early.

Thailand’s leading political analyst, speaking from a safe-house in the slums of Nakhon Nowhere, said “We think that, for years, the Thai Right has linked Santa with Thaksin based on the colour of his clothes.” Such damning evidence is considered to be more than sufficient to get Santa lynched if he ever sets foot in Thailand again.

We used huge amounts of coffee to sober-up the chairman of the Thai Lawyers’ Troupe, Soomee Aimacruk, and asked him about the legal basis for the ban. He eventually told us “How the hell should I know? Lawyering is all about ceremony and protocol, we leave all that legalese crap to the Army.”

Plans were proposed to change Santa’s suit colour back to a more traditional shade of green, but the Foreign Correspondents’ Club of Thailand vetoed the idea as it may lead to the rotund little drunkard to be mistaken for an accredited journalist.

An official statement from the Ratchprasong Trader’s Association read simply “Yeah, right. Bring it on.”

So, keep your baubles polished – this ain’t over…

Is Gravity Unconstitutional?

Famed English katoey and cross-dressing English physicist Isaac Newton
Famed English katoey and cross-dressing physicist Isaac Newton

Thai constitutional scholars have discovered procedural errors which may lead to the Law of Gravity being overturned in Thailand.

Scholars at Thailand’s foremost legal think-tank – based at the McDonald’s off Democracy Monument – have revealed that the British ‘Law of Gravity’ may not be enforceable under Thai law. Chief Justice of the Thai Supreme Court, Justice Bungusawedge Angerroff, agrees with their conclusions, “If foreign governments can disregard our lèse majesté laws, then we can certainly pick and choose which foreign laws we want to obey – including the so-called ‘Law of Gravity’.”

Gravity causes considerable difficulties for Thai businesses, for the building and aviation sectors in particular. “The amount of money we have to spend ensuring that buildings do not fall down severely limits our profits” said Somchai Dakkowboi, chair of the Thai Construction Industry Federation, “and it’s all the fault of some foreign law.”

Professor Nottoosmart, Chair of Physics and Reincarnation Studies at Thammakorn University, explained the origins of the law: “Gravity was first introduced in England in the seventeenth century before the invention of ladders. A Cambridge katoey called Isaac Newton invented gravity to help with the harvesting of apples. Since apples are not native to Thailand, there’s no reason to have gravity here.”

The Thai Airline Federation and Lottery Syndicate (TAFLS), currently threatened with a worldwide safety downgrade, is lobbying hard to repeal gravity which it sees as a barrier to their return to profitability and ambitions to raise their collective safety rating from ‘Certain Death’ to ‘Meh…’

The only dissenting voice comes from the diamond-encrusted keyboard of celebrity travel-blogger and aviatrix Dickie Handcart “This could ruin my drone-based pizza delivery start-up and endanger the jobs of the millions of Thais that work for me. I will issue orders to the NCPO to ensure gravity stays in Thailand. I won’t hesitate to invoke section 44 if I have to.”

Casinos to Franchise the Police

Police Cashing in their Chiips
Police Cashing in thier Chiips

Unable to prevent illegal activities in certain sites, Thai police are to harness the power of crime to provide much needed and improved police stations.

After a string of failed attempts to raid notorious casino venues in Bangkok, The Metropolitan police have adopted a policy of “Don’t beat ’em, join ’em” by installing police sub-stations in the casinos, en-suite.

The force’s spokesthing, Police Field-Marshal Bakkanda, told us “It’s dangerous for police to venture into certain areas of the city, so it makes sense to have crimes committed inside police stations where we can monitor them safely. This way the gamblers won’t have to post look-outs to see us coming and we get to split the air-conditioning bill. It’s not often you get a win-win situation involving a casino.”

The pilot program involving casinos will, if successful, be expanded to include opium dens, language schools and fake-merchandise warehouses.

Dustin von O’Reilly, chairman of the FDCThai – the Foreign Drinkers’ Club of Thailand – responded with an official statement: “Anything that keeps the police off the streets is fine with us.”