The Tourist Authority of Thailand has launched a major campaign of martial-law-themed attractions to lure tourists back and literally kick-start the beleaguered nation’s tourism industry.

On arrival at major airports in Thailand, tourists will have the opportunity to take photographs with heavily armed troops before being strip-searched and having drugs planted on them. Then it’s over to Police HQ for a welcome drink and beating before a reception at the CIA’s exclusive water-boarding resort in the basement of the US Embassy.

Many spas throughout the country will be providing ‘attitude-adjustment’ packages which will include traditional Thai foot massage with bamboo canes and electro-convulsive shock therapy. For gamblers a deluxe package will give them the opportunity to re-live the Russian-roulette scene from ‘The Deer Hunter’, only this time with live ammunition. No Hollywood fakery here!

Finally, honoured visitors can relax in an isolation cell until their visible wounds have healed before being deported. Thailand Elite card-holders can choose from a range of Jim Thompson silk-lined body-bags for VIP repatriation.

“We’re hoping to make Thailand a Martial Law Hub for South East Asia!” enthused Tourism Minister Wattadum Aydeea.

Sources in Sweden have revealed that the first award of the newly created Nobel Prize for Coups will be announced soon and the winner is from Thailand.

Thailand is considered a world-leader in coups and coup-related technology and the newly instituted prize is the first real chance the psychotic little nation realistically has of joining the ‘Nobel Club’. The only previous contact Thailand has had with the Nobel Committee was in 1928 when they nominated Sir Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell for the 1928 Nobel Prize in Peace.

Critics of the Nobel Institute have suggested that the new prize was ‘sponsored’ by the new Thai government and it is therefore not surprising the the first recipient will be a Thai. Junta Spokesthing, I-Am-The-Very-Model-Of-A-Modern-Major-General Moutpeet vehemently denied this and rapidly became incoherent when questioned further.

The actual name of the winner remains a closely guarded secret, but in addition to the obvious candidate some authorities are suggesting the prize may be shared with a wizened old monk from Wat Tha Sai in Surat Thani and the $1.4million prize money split between them . “If that is the case, there may be bloodshed” said a confidential source in the government’s janitorial division.

Prior to this, Thailand has had more success with the prestigious igNobel Prize. A Thai-led research team from Siriraj Hospital won the 2013 Public Health Prize for their research on non-duck-involved penile amputation.

An attempt by the Junta to ban the sale and use of skin-whitening products has been quietly dropped after being even more quietly raised.

Thailand’s Committee on Cultural Cohesion – Under Prayuth (COCC-UP) have denied reports that they were planning to ban skin-whitening products as being un-Thai, but dropped the scheme after pressure from the ‘celebrity’ industry.

Junta Medical Chief, Major Professor Doctor Wassamattayoo, at first fielded a global ban on skin whitening products. When the United Nations failed to comply, Wassamattayoo limited the scope of the proposed ban to Thailand. “White skin is not compatible with ‘Thainess’, especially amongst the peasant classes.” Wassamattayoo pronounced at an international conference on Thainess held in Scotland recently. He later denied using the term ‘peasant’, claiming the media had mis-heard his use of the phrase ‘sufficiency-practitioner’.

However, many influential people and organizations in Thailand objected to the ban as it may inconvenience them both financially and cosmetically.

A large-scale protest – technically illegal under martial law – was held in the queue outside Siam Paragon’s Louis Vuitton store. Despite the number of protesters being estimated as ‘several’, police did not attempt to break it up for fear of violence spreading to their command centre at the nearby Krispy Kreme store.

One protester, identified only as ‘Mia Noi’, wailed, “How can it be Thai to force people to look like Cambodian field-hands?”

Perhaps the final nail in the ban’s coffin was the announcement by Channel-69 News that if the ban were to be imposed they would have to fire all of their on-screen news staff, including several ‘nieces’ of the Junta’s Minister of Media ‘Affairs’.

Consideration of a partial lifting of the ban for people above a certain income-level was rejected as it would “…just encourage ‘sufficiency-practitioners’ to steal from their betters” said Junta spokesthing Air Vice-Marshal Maotpeet.

So it seems the white-faced ghouls who read our television news are here to stay.

In other news, season 5 of  “The Walking Dead” returns to AMC on Sunday.