Unable to prevent illegal activities in certain sites, Thai police are to harness the power of crime to provide much needed and improved police stations.

After a string of failed attempts to raid notorious casino venues in Bangkok, The Metropolitan police have adopted a policy of “Don’t beat ’em, join ’em” by installing police sub-stations in the casinos, en-suite.

The force’s spokesthing, Police Field-Marshal Bakkanda, told us “It’s dangerous for police to venture into certain areas of the city, so it makes sense to have crimes committed inside police stations where we can monitor them safely. This way the gamblers won’t have to post look-outs to see us coming and we get to split the air-conditioning bill. It’s not often you get a win-win situation involving a casino.”

The pilot program involving casinos will, if successful, be expanded to include opium dens, language schools and fake-merchandise warehouses.

Dustin von O’Reilly, chairman of the FDCThai – the Foreign Drinkers’ Club of Thailand – responded with an official statement: “Anything that keeps the police off the streets is fine with us.”

Responding to complaints of unfair treatment from beach chair vendors, Phuket police, will from tomorrow be fining anyone found using a chair in any of the provinces restaurants.

Police Major Captain General Jobswurt issued a statement “It has come to our attention that customers are lounging around Phuket’s picturesque restaurants, making them look cluttered, untidy and un-Thai.”

The Thai Navy have suggested that customers might be allowed to bring their own chairs, but restaurateurs have complained this might encourage wheelchair users. “The last thing we need is the place cluttered up with disabled people.” said Samonerra Botox, manager of one of Phuket’s leading seafood chains.

Doctor Buttpowk of Patong’s Orthopaedic Hospital and Mobile Clap Clinic welcomed the initiative. “We get endless streams of overweight tourists coming here complaining of piles and varicose veins. Making them stand during meals will help them lose weight and make them healthier.” He espoused. “If we can now just replace all hotel beds with multi-gyms, they will thank us in the long-term.”

And it’s not just foreigners who will reap the benefits as slimmer, more active tourists. Dr Buttpowk  believes the image of fat, rich tourists leads Thai people to associate obesity with wealth and leads them away from the path of ‘sufficiency’. “Pudgy tourists are a bad example, leading Thai people away from their natural, emaciated Thainess,” he told us.

The new rule is not expected to apply to chairs in gold shops provided for police officers sit and consume their doughnuts.

The world-famous Lopburi Monkey Party has been banned by Thailand’s Junta because it contravenes Martial Law.

Martial Law bans public meetings of more than five individuals and the Lopburi Monkey Party, held every year at the end of  November, attracts hundreds of participants. As one of Lopburi’s principal tourist attractions, local hoteliers provide a banquet to thank the city’s monkey population.

However, the authorities fear the monkeys will gather this year for more than just a good feed and some light tourist mugging. “Lopburi’s monkeys frequently meet in groups and chatter endlessly. The problem is we just don’t understand what they are saying – they could be plotting anything!” explained Police Field Marshal Bungus Roybaht “And bits of these monkeys are definitely Red… Very Red indeed.”

Junta spokesthing, Sergeant-at-Arms Maotpeet, confirmed the government’s suspicions about the motives of the so-called Lopburi monkeys. “We have invited several leading simians for attitude adjustment but with very little success.” Maotpeet explained that the monkeys wouldn’t even sign the standard promises not to engage in politics, “When an interviewee grabs such a revered document, wipes it’s backside with it and throws it back at you, the message is, I’m afraid, quite clear.”

One major point of confusion is that the behaviour of Thailand’s politicians when in office was often indistinguishable from that of monkeys and this reflects badly – on the monkeys.

Randy Mall a prominent activist and campaigner for migrant monkey rights spoke to us. “It’s disgraceful that decent, hard-working monkeys who come here to earn a few nuts and bananas to send home to their families, are being treated like nothing more than politicians.” Randy and his team of primate lawyers are demanding that DNA samples be taken from all Lopburi monkeys and compared to known politicians. “We need to clear this up in the name of justice and tourism.” he said. In the interest of balance we should note that Mr Mall is currently in jail charged with defaming a politician – something not considered possible in most countries.

Lopburi’s monkeys attract millions of baht in tourism every year in addition to billions in fenced goods stolen from tourists by the furry kleptomaniacs. One particular monkey, known locally as Mr Big, is said to have a ‘treasure room’ filled with so much loot even a police General would have difficulty explaining it away.