Tourists to be ‘Graded On Arrival’

Tourists to be ‘Graded On Arrival’

Quality Tourists for Quality DestinationsThe Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced plans to categorize tourists as they arrive in the country and direct them towards destinations appropriate to their perceived ‘quality’.

Minister of Tourist Conformity, Tingtong Bakpakka, told us in an elusive interview “We’re adopting electoral practices from Germany, considering buying trains from Germany, now we’d like to adopt practices from the holiday camps Germany set up in Poland during the war. The aliens can be streamed on arrival into High and Low quality categories using a simple process of means testing.”

Highly qualified immigration officers, most with backgrounds in accounting and fashion, will direct tourists left or right depending on factors such as number of tattoos, shell-suits, sobriety and in-pocket cash.

High-quality tourists, such as those who arrive wearing a tie, will be allowed to roam the country more-or-less freely. Low quality tourists will be bundled onto secure transports and taken to designated ‘ghettos’ such as a specially fenced of stretch of Bangkok’s Sukhumvit Road. Pattaya council have already begun digging a huge moat around the resort to contain tourists deemed ‘especially depraved’, while Koh Tao is to be converted into a maximum-security resort for the three or four Russians expected this year.

Chinese tourists are to be diverted to Chiang Mai where they will be re-educated within specially constructed ramparts dubbed by locals “The Great Wall of Chiang Mai”.

Travel-Blagger Dickie Handcart, speaking as always on behalf of all expats, has welcomed the move. “With tourists corralled into such limited areas, we will literally be able to bombard them into submission with Thainess. They’ll go home more Thai than the Thais.”


Martial Law Tourism

DSC_5346C_1200_60_wmThe Tourist Authority of Thailand has launched a major campaign of martial-law-themed attractions to lure tourists back and literally kick-start the beleaguered nation’s tourism industry.

On arrival at major airports in Thailand, tourists will have the opportunity to take photographs with heavily armed troops before being strip-searched and having drugs planted on them. Then it’s over to Police HQ for a welcome drink and beating before a reception at the CIA’s exclusive water-boarding resort in the basement of the US Embassy.

Many spas throughout the country will be providing ‘attitude-adjustment’ packages which will include traditional Thai foot massage with bamboo canes and electro-convulsive shock therapy. For gamblers a deluxe package will give them the opportunity to re-live the Russian-roulette scene from ‘The Deer Hunter’, only this time with live ammunition. No Hollywood fakery here!

Finally, honoured visitors can relax in an isolation cell until their visible wounds have healed before being deported. Thailand Elite card-holders can choose from a range of Jim Thompson silk-lined body-bags for VIP repatriation.

“We’re hoping to make Thailand a Martial Law Hub for South East Asia!” enthused Tourism Minister Wattadum Aydeea.