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Thailand to Build Super-Collider

A tebosonam of monks from the Institute for High-Energy Theology based at Wat Sammattanaow is to embark on a search for a new fundamental particle.

The theoretical ‘Coup Boson’ is said to be a new class of super-massive hadron with unnaturally high levels of spin. It is expected to be almost completely asymmetric with an estimated mass of 1 billion Gev, or 1 EeV. The coup-field is known to be particularly strong in Thailand, making it the ideal place to base a search for the elusive particle.

Western so-called ‘experts’ at CERN have proposed that a super-collider powerful enough to detect particles with such mass would have to be several times the diameter of the solar system.

Phra Khattinaboks, head of Particle Beam Buddism at Wat Sammattanaow, disagrees. “With advanced relativistic chanting and enough heavy-holy water we can get the diameter down to a couple of kilometres.” We phoned Professor Stephen Hawking of Cambridge University – possibly the cleverest bloke west of the Chao Phraya –  for comment. The line was poor quality but we thought we heard the word ‘rollocks’ before he hung up.

Environmental weirdoes have expressed fears the collider will produce a super-massive singularity that could result in the formation of a cataclysmic black coup – a military action from which no light can escape. Quantum-theologists have dismissed such ideas as nothing more than ‘mere science’.

The Junta’s spokesthing on theoretical physics and fashion-design, Corporal Maotpeet, told us, “The prospect of expending vast amounts of time, money and energy should not deter us from embarking on this utterly hopeless search for something that doesn’t exist. The General already has an auspicious ring picked out for the Nobel Prize ceremony.”

The site of the super-collider has yet to be chosen but filling in Chiang Mai’s otherwise useless moat is said to be the front-runner.