Scholars have expressed disquiet over a new history book being issued to Thai schools: “The Very Good History of Thailand and those Parts of the World Not Yet Thai.”
Some have questioned whether Thailand did in fact win the second world war, while other authorities have cast doubts over one author’s suggestion that both Jesus and Ghandi were born in Kohn Kaen and went to school there… together.
Education Minister and part-time stage magician, Professor Colonel Gotthit Wongagen, stands behind the new text. “Surely no one can question that the deciding factor in the Battle of Waterloo was the fact that the Duke of Sandwich’s Thai elephant was superior to Adolf Hitler’s inferior Indian elephant .”
“For too long” the professor foamed, “foreigners have been given free-rein to write history according to their own out-dated and wrong-headed ideas. It is our duty as Thais to explain to the rest of the world why they keep getting everything wrong.”
We tracked down the editor of the new text, an anonymous Burmese migrant historian and noodle-puller currently living in Petchaburi. He told us, through a Chinese interpreter, “We have used modern American historical research methods from Hollywood. The same research used to make documentary movies like ‘ One Million Years B.C.’, ‘Braveheart’, ‘U-571’ and ‘Harry Potter’. It showed us how to write history properly, according to our own special needs.”
Spokesthing Air Vice-Marshal Maotpeet is confident the Junta can address the problem of ‘alternate histories’ which may at times disagree with the book’s ‘proper history’: “We are asking social media companies like Facebook and Line to delete all posts made in the last ten years due to inaccurate data. We have every reason to believe they will comply. And” he continued “a team from the Ministry of Information Control & Eradication (MICE) has being tasked with rewriting Wikipedia.”