Quality Control for Tourists

apporvedThe tourist authority of Thailand is to be given powers under martial law to screen arrivals at Thailand’s ports and borders in what is being described as the world’s first tourist quality-control scheme.

Junta Spokesthing Sergeant Maotpeet – recently demoted for failing to properly hyphenate the PM’s name – said, “Given the limited number of people wanting to visit Thailand these days, we feel we need to concentrate on quality rather than quantity.”

In addition to arrival checks tourists will undergo a 20-hour Thai Culture Course similar to the one widely ignored by teachers already working in Thailand.

“More great inspiration from TAT” said Tourism Minister Wattadum Aydeea, “They’re just full of it at the moment.”

A points system will be adopted, with scores based on factors such as:

  • Wealth
  • Ability to speak Thai (big -ve)
  • Skirt length
  • Number of tattoos
  • Shirt colour
  • Ebola infection (express service to Siriraj Hospital)
  • Skin whiteness
  • Global LM Score

The last item will be a secret metric calculated by the nation’s Ministry of Information and Computer Technology based on each tourist’s social media profile.

Wealth will be assessed from the number of amulets and other jewellery items and whatever you can pay the examining officer – pre-booking at any 5-star or above resort qualifies for a discount.

Exemptions from the new rule include Chinese nationals, high-ranking military officers, arms sales representatives and anyone with a drone or an iPhone 6.

Automatic disqualification awaits those with bikinis in their baggage and anyone who’s written a book recently.