Thailand to Build Super-Collider

Thailand to Build Super-Collider

A tebosonam of monks from the Institute for High-Energy Theology based at Wat Sammattanaow is to embark on a search for a new fundamental particle.

The theoretical ‘Coup Boson’ is said to be a new class of super-massive hadron with unnaturally high levels of spin. It is expected to be almost completely asymmetric with an estimated mass of 1 billion Gev, or 1 EeV. The coup-field is known to be particularly strong in Thailand, making it the ideal place to base a search for the elusive particle.

Western so-called ‘experts’ at CERN have proposed that a super-collider powerful enough to detect particles with such mass would have to be several times the diameter of the solar system.

Phra Khattinaboks, head of Particle Beam Buddism at Wat Sammattanaow, disagrees. “With advanced relativistic chanting and enough heavy-holy water we can get the diameter down to a couple of kilometres.” We phoned Professor Stephen Hawking of Cambridge University – possibly the cleverest bloke west of the Chao Phraya –  for comment. The line was poor quality but we thought we heard the word ‘rollocks’ before he hung up.

Environmental weirdoes have expressed fears the collider will produce a super-massive singularity that could result in the formation of a cataclysmic black coup – a military action from which no light can escape. Quantum-theologists have dismissed such ideas as nothing more than ‘mere science’.

The Junta’s spokesthing on theoretical physics and fashion-design, Corporal Maotpeet, told us, “The prospect of expending vast amounts of time, money and energy should not deter us from embarking on this utterly hopeless search for something that doesn’t exist. The General already has an auspicious ring picked out for the Nobel Prize ceremony.”

The site of the super-collider has yet to be chosen but filling in Chiang Mai’s otherwise useless moat is said to be the front-runner.

Pattaya Falls – To Rival Niagra

B109sgLCcAASRT4A new water feature has been installed on Pattaya beach to attract tourists away from stale old tourist hotspots like Niagara Falls.

As usual the Pattaya’s cynical press representatives have labelled the feature as an unintended consequence of poor planning – and even worse execution – of projects to improve the seedy resort’s image.

The city’s new chief Reverse-Spin Engineer, Aimarite Kowbpoi told us “This is literally a windfall waterfall. At first people did not understand the strategy behind the decay of beach-front improvements, but now we have this wonderful water feature we can reveal that we planned it this way all-along.”

Beechbum Sukstobeeyoo, head of the Pattaya Jet-ski Consortium, welcomed the feature. “Riding jet-skis down the waterfall will make it a good deal easier for drunken customers to wreck their rentals, meaning we don’t have to fake the damage ourselves.” He added, “Of course genuine repairs will mean prices will have to go up…”

On Friday, itinerant Farang Piotr von O’Reilly-Smyth became the first person to go over the falls in a barrel. To be fair, he’d been living in the barrel on Beach Road for several months and didn’t really have any say in the matter.

It is hoped that eventually Pattaya Falls will get its own hydroelectric power plant and begin generating enough electricity for the whole of ASEAN.

Monky Business

PHtWat Supnaow, a temple in the midst of the deep-dark forests around Nakhon Nowhere, has been charged with encroaching on National Park land after they built themselves a helipad. The wat specializes in providing shelter for itinerant politicians and provides a sanctuary for unicycle-riding tigers. The monks also run a large factory nearby that makes dog-food, which many people misinterpret as meaning food for dogs.

Phra Tanwittnee, a spokesmonk for the Wat, told us the helicopter is required to take the ageing abbot to hospital as he becomes car-sick on the twenty-minute journey to the local casino-hospital complex. However locals have said they have seen bags marked Pizza Hut being ferried from choppers landing at the wat late at night.

Authorities have also questioned whether singing the Hokey-cokey and Bohemian Rhapsody at 3am really qualifies as devotional chanting.